More on the Song of Songs

The choice of words for an English writer is of course conditioned by the audience that the work may target. Adele Berlin drops the note that "dark is certainly a better word for American readers than black." I doubt this. But it shows me several parts of Alter's glossary of terms for his choices in English that I would like to consider.

Songs 1:5: Alter: I am dark but desirable

Berlin writes: “Dark” is certainly a better choice for American readers than “black,” because the reference is to sun-darkened skin, not to African ancestry.

Was this not written in Africa? Why should we think that it is not African? Niger sum sed pulchra. The black goes back a long way.

My version is: 

Black am I but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem,

like the tents of Kedar, like the curtains of Shalmah.

The word for black is also the word for dawn and for rising early.

Kedar קדר is also wan, and I break my rules and use blackness for it in a few places.

Shalmah is the same stem as Solomon. This is one of many hints that all is not well concerning the king in the Song.

"Surprisingly, Alter does not follow the Hebrew word order." I agree with Adele Berlin on this point.

As she continues to note: "Most translations render na’vah as “lovely” or “beautiful.” In his commentary, Alter justifies “desirable” and uses it elsewhere (but not at Song of Songs 1:10 and 6:4, where he has “lovely”); but one wonders whether in this case he is also aiming for the alliteration in “dark” and “desirable.”"

I think alliteration is used in Hebrew. I have noted several instances in the Psalms. E.g. Psalm 73:10b וּמֵ֥י מָ֝לֵ֗א יִמָּ֥צוּ לָֽמוֹ. Note the repeated m's. In my rendering I managed one m and an l or two. "So! his people will return here, where they can be fully milked."

 And in the Song particularly, the foxes (shualim) are paired with the Shulamite woman.

Adele Berlin points out a half-dozen examples in Alter's translation. They raise questions for me. 

• “cushion me with quinces” (2:5); Why did I separate apricot from quince? They are both the same word and same stem. This is the traditional apple. Perhaps no one is quite sure what tree it is. I could reduce the number of stems by 1 now that I have noticed, but it is scarcely significant. I have left obviously related stems separate on other occasions. I will also leave unresolved the uncertainty of the fruit. My rendering is 

Support me with raisins, outspread me with apricots,
for ah, I, I am writhing with love.

• “peering . . . peeping” (2:9); My words are peering through the perforations, blossoming through the lattice
•  “[i]ts posts . . . its padding . . . its curtains crimson” (3:9 [actually 10]); My version shows no particular alliteration. I am not sure where he gets curtains (ירע) from.

Its pillars he constructed of silver, its outspread of gold, its chariot purple,
its centre tessellated with love, daughters of Jerusalem.

• “watchmen of the walls” (5:7); watchmen fits my rules. I used the keepers of the walls. 
• “[l]ike Lebanon his look” (5:15); I have his appearance like Lebanon. The stem is ראה with a dominant sense of seeing. Appear, show are secondary senses depending on the word form.
• “a fearsome flame” (8:6). I have Its fire-brands are fire-brands of fire, that are its flame. There is no fear in the text. 

I will end with Song 4:3:

Alter: Like a scarlet thread, your lips, / and your tongue—desire

NRSV: Your lips are like a crimson thread, / and your mouth is lovely.
Music: Like the thread of scarlet are your lips and your words lovely,

like a slice of the pomegranate your temple from within your headscarf.

We only have the first half of the verse from Alter as reported by Adele Berlin.

Song 4:3 Default mode using the deciphering key of Suzanne Haïk-Vantoura

Time will tell if Alter's translation will have the literary impact he desires. Altogether as I see so far, his work is going to be too free with its synonyms for my taste in translating. I wonder whether he is concerned about rendering two different stems by the same English gloss. I agree that the Hebrew corpus exhibits literary techniques under its own constraint of reporting multiple traditions. I think a translation must also accurately report to the reader of another tongue or other tradition. I would put accurate reporting as a priority over literary technique in the host language.